I'm tired of being pregnant and want to not be pregnant anymore but am terrified of not being pregnant anymore.
I'm quite sure that doesn't completely make sense to everyone, but I'll explain.
Here I am.
I'm 39 weeks today. I can't believe I'm still pregnant. I was "sure" that Little Man would have made his debut by now. But as I'm learning, my children have their own timeline and there is absolutely nothing I can do to control it. Cheyanne came at 39w1d with induction. This time I have no induction scheduled yet so its all a waiting game. That alone, I'm not good at- waiting- not my strong suit.
This post is going to be so much to read. Short version: I complain.
I'm fat. I'm sore (all over). I'm being a jerk to my husband despite his efforts to help out around here, or I'm just "moody" as he safely puts it. I'm chasing a wild toddler around all day who has no idea that Mommy is moving at half her normal speed. My legs have started to swell this week. And I'm just so ready to not be pregnant anymore.
That being said, I'm not prepared for life after not being pregnant. I mean, his room is ready, his clothes are folded and put away, our hospital bags are packed. My neighbor friend is on speed dial for go time so Cheyanne has someone familiar to be with while I'm in labor. We know our first call lists will be to the grandparents so they can start making their way down here to take over Chey during our hospital stay. The dog, well, the dog will have to deal with whoever is in the house at the time to feed her and let her out. Logistically I'm ready.
Mentally I'm most definitely not. There will be two kids in this house in a few days, forever. That is something I've always wanted, but now reality is starting to set in and I'm getting nervous. For 2 1/2 years, my one and only concern and responsibility every day has been Cheyanne. From the time I wake up to the time I go to bed, she is my main concern. In a few days, I have to share that with another little one. More importantly, Cheyanne will have to share me, something that she has never had to do. I'm terrified. I know I know I know that things will work out and life will be fantastic and I will love this little guy more than I could ever have imagined, but I'm still scared. I have no doubt that love will take over, no doubt at all. I think the changes that will happen around here are the scary part of this.
I have never spent a single night away from her since the day she was born. I can count on one hand the number of times that someone other than me has put her to bed in 2 1/2 years. And in just a few days, I'll be away from her for the first time. All day and all night. AH. I'm not prepared. The Giant and I have already agreed that he will come home at night to sleep with her while I am in the hospital which makes me feel a lot better about the situation, but that's still not me putting her to bed. I know it won't be easy for either of them, I'm just praying that it is easier than my mind is letting me imagine. I am so thankful for God's timing right now though and recently turning Chey into a daddy's girl, something I never thought I'd see.
I have so many fears running through my head. Two kids, at one time, how do people do it? I already am not sleeping well, like averaging about 4 hours a night I'd say. I hope this little boy is a sleeper. Between getting up 3-4 times a night to pee, rolling over a bazillion times to relieve my hips and back, and then the fantastic nightmares that seem to be recurring, sleep is a luxury right now. Bad dreams must have been in the air last night because Chey woke up at 4am yelling for me telling me she had a "bad dream!" and then when I finally got back to sleep after settling down it was my turn and dreamed she flushed herself down the toilet and I could hear her singing Jingle Bells the whole time- random and HORRIBLE!!! Needless to say, I didn't sleep much after that- and I made sure the toilet lids were closed. Cheyanne never has been so the idea of having 2 non-sleepers is beyond exhausting. And then there is the fact that I'll be on my own for quite a while shortly after he's born. That doesn't help stop my mind from completely exploding at 3am from stress. Hey Moms, how does it work? How do you share yourself between 2 and still stay sane and not let one suffer while the other gets attention? I'm so stressed out about Cheyanne will handle her baby brother being here. She is such a wonderful girl but she is demanding and requires a lot of extra momma attention. I don't want to make her sacrifice even more than she already does. I have major guilt today. She goes so much without her Daddy. I feel horrible with the idea of her going without her Momma too! How is that going to work?!
I blame being very pregnant and apparently sleep deprived for my severe complaining mood. I'm sure this post is about as much fun to read as it is to write. Sorry. Today, my plan was to go on a long walk but after waking up with some beautiful kankles, my new plan is to keep my feet up a few hours this morning while the Giant takes Chey to the playground. My list of things to do today is just going to have to wait a few hours. I'll get that laundry done and that walk in later. Not that the walk is going to help induce labor since I've decided I'm just going to be pregnant forever at this point.
For.e.ver.
