Change

When pregnant, you can't even possibly conceive how much your life will change once the baby arrives. If you are like me, you know change is coming, but you naively believe that you will remain relatively the same, just with a little one in tow. You think you will still feel and carry on just the same. I'll be the first to now say, that is completely inaccurate. Everything changes. The world changes. Your world changes. Likes, dislikes, desires, feelings, emotions, dreams... they all change.

I was up late last night thinking about my husband and all he is going through right now. My heart was already heavy since I had been praying practically the entire day for him. And I'm sure that a lack of sleep didn't help my thought processes either. I was flipping mindlessly through channels while I listened to my baby's water sleep machine coming in through the monitor, waiting to hear her stir. As I flipped, I came across a mother holding and rocking her brand new baby, no more than a few weeks old. She had tears coming down her face. So I instinctively stopped flipping to see what this was. As I watched, I listened to her speak about this beautiful sleeping little boy in her arms, who she was about to give up for adoption. Now granted I have no idea the back story here at all. Anyways, pre-baby, I would have probably continued flipping channels, not even pausing here. But, cute baby, tearful mom, I had to watch. Of course, immediately I feel the lump in my throat. I don't have a clue what's going on, but my heart is already breaking for her. I listen as this young mother tells her baby all she dreams for him and how she will miss not taking him to the park when he is older and seeing his firsts. The lump in my throat quickly escalates to a burning in my eyes. Ugh. Why do I do this to myself? I watch as the young mom takes her baby into a nursery themed conference room where the adoptive parents stand waiting in excitement. It shows the young mother hesitantly kissing her baby goodbye and handing him over to the new mother. My tears just start flowing.

I should have turned the channel, or really I should have just turned the TV off since it was by now past midnight, but I couldn't. I watched and yet all I could think about was my sweet precious baby in the other room sleeping. Watching this whole adoption scene play out, it made me think, how thankful I am for the change in my life. I am so blessed by my sweet baby every single day. I truly don't know how that young mother (or any parent giving a child up for adoption) does it. It truly must have been like having her heart stabbed a thousand times to every say goodbye. I can't leave my daughter for more than an hour without feeling like something is missing from me. Shoot. I can't leave her for more than 30 seconds without missing her. As bizarre as I know that sounds, it is so true. I am attached. We are attached. I never want to imagine what my life would be like without her. I absolutely commend those mothers that make that earth-shatteringly difficult decision to give their babies life, even if it is not to be lived with them. That is something that is so selfless and honorable. Never doubt that that is by far the hardest decision anyone would ever have to make to let a child go after carrying it for nine long months. I cry now just thinking about it.

I treasure every minute I have with my Cheyanne. My husband doesn't get those minutes that I have with her. While our separation right now is only temporary (thank the Lord), I sit here and feel guilty that I am the one getting to be with her every day. While he is on the other side of the country going through literally hell right now, I am sitting here listening to her breathe over the monitor. He has missed out on 5 of her 7 months of life. I know that we are "voluntarily" in this situation, we chose this life of military, so I am not complaining. I am just sad. Its hard to understand the complexity of the situation if you aren't in it. I see her every minute of every day. He hasn't seen her in two months. That's not something I try to think about every day. Its too overwhelming most days. We are living life day by day. Each day is one day closer to being together again. To say that we are beyond ready for this time apart to be over is the understatement of the century. Four more months. I don't know if that is harder to think about or harder to type. F.O.U.R. more months. I am so grateful to my husband. For giving me my little Peapod. For sacrificing for his family. For sacrificing for our country. For being the best damn husband I could ever dream of. For sending me flowers when he knew he'd be away just to say he loved and missed me. For being my rock, my love, my hero, my everything. Yeah, change is a good thing.