To donate or flush?

FYI- If you have no concern about breastfeeding, you can probably just stop reading now as you will have absolutely no interest in whats coming.

I am so upset right now. I first mentioned a couple months ago how Cheyanne suddenly started completely rejecting a bottle. It started right around December by just snubbing her nose to it. She had no interest in the bottle or anything inside it. All she wanted was me (directly). Since the day she was born, I can probably count on two hands the number of days that she actually ever needed to take a bottle. Her first few days of life, she wouldn't latch, so we had to resort to a bottle to feed. Within a week, she had worked that out and had no issues latching. The issues that existed were mostly with me learning positions and the both of us learning the ways to latch comfortably. Beyond the pain, my pain, she had no issues. So, besides a few nights here and there of babysitting feedings, we didn't regularly need the bottle until those four days I had to return to work. Again, no problems at all with the bottle. I had very little previously stored breastmilk so I had to pump every day at work for her next day's feeding. Barely any time to freeze anything. That is, until I quit work. I kept pumping in between feedings to increase my milk supply. Once we got the Giant's leave date, I started making bottles for him to give her when he would get home from work. I wanted them to have that bonding time as much as possible. Again, no feeding problems.

Well, then we moved. I had continued pumping when we moved and froze everything I pumped.

Then it started.

Within two weeks of moving, she started rejecting anything but the breast. I assumed it was just one more of those things of change that she rejected and just clung to me. It wasn't a huge problem since I love my time nursing her and infrequently needed to do otherwise. But, I could never leave her to run errands or anything longer than an hour. I couldn't let my mom babysit her so I could go out with friends for a few hours. I couldn't do anything outside of our non-feeding window. Because I had continued pumping in between feedings, I had built quite a huge supply of frozen breastmilk. But it wasn't being used and it was just taking up space in the freezer. One day, I got so frustrated that I just chucked it all. Tearfully I poured it all out. All my hard work, literally down the drain. ::Sigh:: If you are a breastfeeding momma, you know that that stuff is like liquid gold.

Since then, I have found out I could have donated it! UGH!! I am so bummed! I didn't even think about that option before I wasted it all. Did you know that there are organizations and hospitals that take breastmilk and use it to feed preemie babies? I did not! I am feeling so guilty right now. I should have done more research before I gave up.

At the time, I thought maybe it was the bottles we were using. I bought new bottles. I bought new nipples for the old bottles. I tried everything. Nothing worked. Someone told me how they had the same problem and switched to a sippy cup which solved the problem. So, I even recently bought a step up sippy cup. Nope. She liked it as a toy, holding the handles. But, as soon anything came out of the nipple, she would spit it out.

That's when I started doing research. I came across some other momma bloggers that have had this issue as well. I had noticed a sort of soapy smell in the milk, not sour, just soapy. I thought maybe that was the process of freezing the milk. I had no idea that that would affect whether baby takes it or not. Of course, now that I think about it, who would smell anything soapy and think YUM? Poor baby, I'd been trying to feed my baby "soapy milk" without even thinking about it. Guilt setting in on this new momma about now. While it isn't actually soap, I believe it is an enzyme issue called Lipase. It's rare, of course... but everything I've read about it fits perfectly with what we're experiencing.

And apparently, if I had donated all that milk that instead got flushed away, the Lipase wouldn't have even been an issue since it would have been fed through a feeding tube. I am trying not to think about those babies that could have needed it. So bummed.

Oh man, this new momma is such a work in progress. We're currently still working on the bottle feeding situation. And I'm now doing more research on where to send the remainder of my frozen milk supply. I hope I can find something soon and start all new. Maybe that will help this bummed feeling that I can't shake.